The Royal College of Psychiatrists has just released a report saying people over 65 should drink less booze. Is this really a serious problem? Is Britain filled with hammered pensioners kicking off during a football match when denied their tenth pint of noxious, continental lager?

Last time we checked, it’s not grannies falling out of night clubs in tiny skirts, their faces smeared in a tear-stained fright mask of mascara and shame. It’s not members of the British Legion passing out in the gutter clutching a bottle of Bulmers. Police cells aren’t overflowing on a Friday night with the cast of Dad’s Army, having been caught brawling over which is the best Vera Lynn record.

Anyway, if you’ve managed to reach retirement age without a hitch, the least you deserve is a drink. Let them have their booze, they’ve earned it.

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Apparently if burglars try to rob your house it will soon be legal to attack them. That’s what the Government has said. Well there’s a comfort. This could be our way of stamping out crime altogether.

We could all entice thieves into our homes with a breadcrumb trail of valuables leading up to our open doors, behind which we lie in wait, brandishing a machete.Why stop there? We could display ‘everything must go’ posters in our front windows advertising all our laptops, phones and jewellery, then mount a machine gun at the top of the stairs.

We could even take the fight to them. Let’s all dress up as costumed vigilantes, speak in an unconvincing gravelly voice and deal out rough justice while driving around in a totally impractical but undeniably cool car. Actually best not. None of us are superheroes. You are not Batman. He is not real. In fact, do not under any circumstances try any of the things above. You will go to prison.

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In an effort to reach out to the next generation the Pope has joined Twitter. Presumably this pontiff is confident he can truly convey the weighty message of avoiding eternal damnation through the salvific ministry of Jesus Christ in 140 characters or less.

Don’t know if he’s looked through it lately, but that Bible’s a weighty old tome. He should be better off keeping his tweets simple. ‘pls cum 2 church’ is an option. ‘God is gr8’ is another. ‘Vatican not Vatican’t’ could be a third.

According to the news, the Pope’s Twitter account got 33,000 followers in its first day. Not bad going. When Jesus was alive, he only had twelve.